The Loosest Slots in Town

So, I meant to post this over on the old broad bored, but I never got around to it.

This happened sometime last September. As I've mentioned before, I control my gambling habit these days by throttling access to my bank account. I've set my ATM card limit to be 10 dollars, so if I want money I either have to find an ATM that gives out 5's (most of which have egregious fees) or get 10 dollars back at the grocery store. It was a Wednesday night at the end of my work week, and I wanted to gamble. So I head over to the shady Hy-Vee north of where my wife works, grab a couple of things, and get in line.

The guy in front of me is a Sioux, and he's got a little girl with him. She's got one of those expensive plastic-wrapped chocolate eggs; and he's holding a 2-liter of store-brand pop, a box of store-brand microwave popcorn, a bag of store-brand chips, and a thing of store-brand cookies. The cashier rings it up, and it comes to like 12 dollars or something. But he's only got a ten, so he sets aside the bag of chips. I felt a little bad for him, but he's a good dad, getting his daughter some candy.

I considered buying the chips for him, but sometimes you just gotta let a guy have his dignity. I set my stuff on the counter, and ask the gal if I can get some cash back. She says yes, opens up the register, and hands over the ten dollar bill the Indian guy just paid with. Well shit, now I really feel like a dick. Because this guys scratching for snacks, and I can't help but just literally throw my money away.

I pass by him as I leave, and the little girl is on a bike and he's tying his snacks in the basket. Then I leave and go over to the casino across the street, the one with the Power Station machine that still has some of the old games on it. I put the guy's 10 in there, load up Fire and Ice Keno, and turn that ten into fifty in just a couple of spins! No wonder you're poor, dude, you don't know how to make your money work for you.

The next day I take some more money out of the bank and lose it all, along with the 50 from the night before. I bet that ultimately that guy got more enjoyment out of his 10 dollars than I did.

Well, today was sure a wild ride. I had a dentist appointment this morning to get my teeth cleaned. Afterward, I had about an hour before work, so I stopped off at 3 casinos: 777, Connections 2 (probably not its real name), and the one in the same strip mall as my dentist whose name I don't know, but it's next door to the South Dakota Pork Producers Board HQ. I took 40 bucks out of my online account there, but didn't win anything. So I swung by my bank for 60 dollars more, and I hit nice bonuses at the other 2 places on my way home, turning 100 dollars wagered into 200 dollars won.

Getting ready for work, I decided I didn't want to blow that wad, so I put it in the box on my dresser, instead of taking it along with me to work.

I filled up with gas, and got a 10 dollar bill with my change. Then I went to work.

After work, on the way home, I stopped in to Connections 1 (also probably not its real name). They're both in the same building next to each other, with a magic shop in between. The dude opened that shop last year, right before the 'rona hit. I'm sure any itinerant Portlandians looking to move to somewhere less "rioty" would find it enchanting. I've never gone in. Anyway, I decided to play one of the new machines, that has a bunch of really pretty-looking games that don't pay out much. I cycled through them, trying to figure out where the payouts were. Betting 50 cents and a dollar I made that 10 dollars last about 10 minutes. Whatever, I had fun.

2 machines over, a woman was playing the new Power Station machine. She was playing Big City 5s and hitting some decent wins. Nothing major for a low bet, but enough for a couple of "Big Win" marquees. Then she flipped over to Wild Life Extreme. I've mentioned Wild Life before, it's the game with the expanding lion Wilds. I wasn't quite sure what the difference was in the "Extreme" version, except I knew it had more pay lines than the original. Anyway, as she's playing, she hits this feature I didn't know about where the screen shakes, and 3 wilds pop up at random in the three middle columns and expand! So she's got 20 winning 4-column lines. I look over and without thinking say "But you didn't line up anything in column five," and she bitches me out, saying "Thanks" all sarcastically! And she was right to do it. I know what I'd do if someone said that to me and jinxed my luck. Just call me Big Chungus Studd. I left right after that. But I decided I wanted to give that game another try as soon as I could.

So in a move that is not at all degenerate, about an hour ago, after the wife was asleep, I grabbed the money out of the box on my dresser, and headed over to Happy Jacks, which is reasonably close to my place, and also has the new Power Station machine. But of course, there's some girl sitting at that machine, while her boyfriend plays Buffalo Keno a couple of machines over. I hop onto one of the old Power Stations and start cycling through my usual games. I hit the Lemur Bonus for a hundred bucks, which I haven't hit in a while, but then I spin it down to 50 and cash out.

I'm watching the girl on the new Power Station, and she's managing to make her money play. She hits a few bonuses and big wins here and there, but eventually she gets up and moves over next to her boyfriend, coincidentally on that machine I described last time with the Tropical Fish keno. I look over and see she's left 20 cents in the Power Station. Both her and her boyfriend have now hit bonus games in Buffalo Keno at the same time. "Are you done playing that machine?" I ask. Yeah, she says, and I move over.

So of my original 200 dollars, I now have 100 in twenties, and a 50 dollar tito. I put 20 bucks into the machine, and pull up the advantage play games. Ocean Magic doesn't have any bubbles, so I waste 10 bucks worth of spins on that. Scarab has a couple of bet levels with abandoned wilds, so I spin my bankroll up to 30-something. And then I pull up the Main Event, Wild Life Extreme.

And after about 5 spins on a 2-dollar bet, I get the shaking screen. 3 wilds, in columns 2, 3, and 4. Top symbol tiger at the top of column 1. Nothing in column 5 I don't think, ironically enough. I don't even notice what other 2 symbols I've got in column 1, but 4-of-a-kind tigers pay $250 and I've got 3 of them. The machine stops counting. $845 bucks!

I turn over to where the girl is sitting and say, Thanks for letting me play this machine, which is kind of dickish, now that I think about it. She doesn't say anything, but her boyfriend looks up and says, Hey, he won. She turns around, looks at the 3 wild columns blinking and says, quote, "Mother FUCK!"

I bring my 2 tickets to the counter and cash out a total of $910 and some change. I tip the cashier 60 and now have a fat pile of money in my wallet which I can't put back in the box on my dresser, because, let's face it, I really don't want to chance waking up the wife right now.

Video slot gambling is all about timing, and if that gal hadn't been there, I'd have sat down at that machine, and probably fed it my whole $200 without winning anything. And with all these losing $10 sessions I've been doing nearly every night, I'd been thinking about how I really haven't had any kind of win since the beginning of the year.  And all of the sudden, my luck changes. This wad of bills is going to the bank tomorrow, and I think maybe I'll cool it for a little bit. I'm sure that is a thing I will do.

TITO stands for "ticket in, ticket out" and refers to payout tickets that have a barcode on them and can be used just like dollar bills in other machines. Strictly speaking, the video lottery machine tickets aren't titos, since they don't do that (they have to be cashed in at the counter), but I like the slang. "Pokies" is another good one that means something different in the literal sense. It comes from poker machines, but now is regularly used for any video slot game.

Somebody stole my money!!!

His teeth used to be more crooked. I think I know how he spent that loot.

I think they would call you by your real name and not Big John in the store.